Welcome…
This is my first attempt at something that resembles more of a “newsletter.”
I have noticed very little, recently. Spending time “reconnecting with my roots” or what you could otherwise call Living at Home has exposed me to a repetitive, quiet life. I should use this time to rest. Instead, I feel an increasing pressure to emerge from the restful period with bigger wings and a brighter smile. The algorithm keeps feeding me hyper-productive girlboss side-hustle queens. I’m learning every day that I’m probably not built to build that lifestyle.
I’m frustrated for a number of reasons, personal and global. I’m trying not to feel like everything is falling apart. I am not a natural pessimist. It sort of feels like I’m being flushed down a giant toilet. There’s a riptide in here. I think the only thing that would pull me out is a long, steady rise to fame and fortune. Or possibly, and quite differently, a fulfilling personal life in the shadows of my old, dramatic dreams would also do the trick.
this month I turned 23, I started substitute teaching. The kids like me and the teachers don’t. I visited the two most important cats in my life (Deli Sandwich and Frank. More on them always and forever).
When I was 19 and still thoroughly obsessed with the way accomplishments looked on paper, I created a few arbitrary goals for myself that felt really fucking important.
One, I would be acting by now. That’s kind of true. Please don’t ask what I’m in. You wouldn’t have seen it.
Two, My Youtube channel would be a remarkable success. Emma Chamberlain for girls who like Larry David. At the time this seemed like the absolute peak of what was possible for a person like me.
Three, by 23 years of age, I would have attended an awards show. Any of them. I didn’t care which one. Like a crow, I just wanted to be in the presence of something shiny.
It’s actually embarrassing to have wanted to be famous, to still want it (in a different way, but ultimately at the same cost), or to admit to anyone that it’s taking longer than little-girl me could have ever hoped. My idols were all babies. 20 year olds with really rich parents. What stood between their life and mine felt like just a stroke of luck.
I used to have a bag of crystals from the Indianapolis children’s museum. I was a superstitious kid, and somehow I’d convinced myself that the crystals granted wishes. I had a ritual - wish on this one first, then three at the same time, then put them all in a dark room for at least 24 hours, rinse and repeat. Though I’d made it up, it felt right. I wished vaguely and with the full strength of my being. I am ten years old, dear crystals, and I want to be famous. The crystals would just stare back at me blankly.
Of course, the only thing that would ever relieve the embarrassment would be actually doing something that famous people do. Something I could post and my friends would go “oh, I guess she IS famous now.” A name on one of those stars or getting booked beside someone really awesome for a movie that has a lot of marketing. Getting on one of the Jimmy shows or… I don’t know, what else do those people do?
Build it and they will come. Or they’ll mock you behind your back. Or you’ll die in a tragic accent and they’ll remark on what you could have been.
I don’t know. I’m irritated with it. Obviously. The Grind. Going To Work. Paying for Food. Imaging A Future Where I Am Doing What I Love. I think it’s time for a lot of us to revisit our relationship with Creating.
I’ve been reading/watching/listening to a lot of by-writers-for-writers content lately. people criticizing fame and fortune and the sharing of art in general as it rubs up against the consumer culture we all participate in. I will share my findings with you later in this newsletter. For now, here is an overview of what you’ll find in this month’s newsletter:
Table of Contents
Introductions - anything I feel like saying, anything that doesn’t fit in a below category, an explanation of why I felt like sending you something NOW instead of LATER.
Consume - here I’ll review, recommend, pontificate on, and direct you to the pieces of media I have recently been into (or totally not into, if I feel like being a hater.)
Purge - here I will direct you to any new projects I have created or been a part of.
Question - something to consider. Maybe an icebreaker for your next dinner party.
Trend Forecast - I mean, what does it sound like?
Consume
I’m Reading…
Bunny by Mona Awad
Recommended to me in a Larchmont bookstore by my two beautiful friends Alix and Vivian. You’re both profoundly cooler than I’ll ever be, so I got right to reading this (in case the answer to being really cool was inside of this book.)
It’s an unexpected journey. I thought the book was one thing, and then suddenly, it was something else completely. Then, right at the end, it was something else completely all over again. It’s a great and dramatic expression of female envy (a little ironic, knowing my motivations for reading it in the first place). It makes fun of the art student I know myself to sometimes be. It’s about a bunch of people who suck hard.
Solitary Daughter by Raquel Alvarado
Highly recommend this substack blog for weird girls. Lots of intimate, beautiful journal-ish entries, reading suggestions, life lessons, etc. Her most recent article reminds me of my youth spent with other creative kids trying to figure it all out. I hope Raquel writes a book someday, or that I find out she’s already written a book and I’m just behind on my obsession.
I Just Inherited $40,000, What Should I Do With It? by Charlotte Cowles
This might just be a me problem, but I don’t think this is just a me problem.
I frequently become overwhelmed with the fear that, when one of my important, better-off-financially-than-me family members dies, I will receive an inheritance that I immediately squander, rather than use to create a better future for myself. My money-smarts amount to zero. I am a constant believer in “girl-math” (though I do not subscribe to the idea that it’s only women who are spending their money poorly. We’re just having more fun about it). I feel the need to occasionally google “what to do with inheritance” but I fear that this google search, without a current pressing death in my family, will seem a bit pre-meditated murdery. It’s a ridiculous thought that comes from 23 years of generalized anxiety; but still, it prevents me from getting the education I need on this subject. This article lays out a very clear cut, beautiful, easy to understand plan that could be a wonderful starting point for other anxiety ridden broke bitches. I think it’s out duty as Funny Girls to learn where to put out money when we get it. Stupid Boys seem to be making a fervent attempt to keep us girls out of the finance game by making it a boring, millennial grey, glass-walls, 24 hour hormone cycle mess of words that make no sense. It’s time to dread the death of our family members only because we love them, not because we are afraid of wasting their cash.
So Your Kid Wants to be a Twitch Streamer by Paul Ford
“If you must stream, then be hands”
This article comes from Wired. You can get one free article before they start with the paywall. I liked this one a lot, since I spend a lot of my time obsessing over whether or not I should try to become internet famous. I’ve never in particular been interested in streaming, but I’m working with kids a lot recently and I hear about streaming a lot more than I used to. In the modern age, being famous has become a job almost as popular as being a barista or a pizza delivery driver. While that’s probably not true, I’m exposed to a lot more influencers than baristas and pizza delivery drivers, so it kind of feels like they’re everywhere. As I walk the halls of the elementary school where I’m substitute teaching, I come across the wall where they describe their dreams. A few doctors, of course. An astronaut here and there. More than anything else, it’s youtubers and streamers. This article brings up the great questions of identity, monetization, and the attempts to maintain ownership of your soul as you pursue internet fame.
How Jake Novak Bounced Back From an Infamous TikTok Pile-On by Kate Lindsay
I’m going to say something annoying. I am an original Jake Novak fan. I have always thought the hate he received was not only mean spirited (obviously), but it was also completely misguided. I think that Gen Z has a lot of really good things going for us, but I am certain our strengths are at risk of being squashed by our fear of CRINGE! Cringe has taken over the internet - it has become a source of real terror for anyone who creates content. Being earnest is cringe, but so is being too self-aware. It’s all cringe. Everyone should die.
When Jake Novak entered “the wrong side of tik-tok,” I felt a real existential dread that bothered me almost daily. It’s dramatic, I know, but it’s true. I’m a former theater kid, an aspiring SNL member (kind of), a person with no technical skills and all creative passion. It was a selfish sort of sympathy - a hope that, when I was cringe someday, I’d be granted forgiveness. Cringe should not be punishable by death threats. Jake Novak has fallen victim to an algorithm that hates its users.
*most of these reading came to me by suggestion of Raquel Alvarado on her tik tok account @grapesraq as well as @caitlynandcharlee on tik tok.
I’m Watching…
The Good Place
I’m lucky. I finished this series on Netflix before the streaming apocalypse. Now, it seems, there’s no hope for people who want to watch this show that aren’t currently living with their parents. I’ll just tell you what I gained from it: being a good person is hard, but not impossible.
Being John Malkovich
a classic psychologically confusing movie that fills you with a bit of dread while you’re watching but also, is sort of fun? I’d highly recommend this to people who are looking to watch something that’s not a 10 part reboot of a movie they’ve already seen. I know, it’s from the nineties (there’s a still-standing twin towers jumpscare in the middle of the movie. a striking reminder of the way things have changed,) but it was new to me, okay?
Dumb Money
Really fun to watch, especially in a completely empty theater with your boyfriend in Vincennes on a Tuesday night. If you can’t recreate that environment, that’s fine. I think the movie is still good without it. As a person who is slowly getting angrier about how much having/saving money is a total buzzkill, it was fun to watch a mostly true story of a random guy who bested a bunch of annoying rich dudes. A feel good story if you hate annoying rich dudes. Also, Pete Davidson and Paul Dano are always excellent. They’re technically also annoying rich dudes, but sometimes we have to fight our own moral compass to enjoy the meal infront of us.
Bottoms
Amazing. I think we have been at a great loss, as a society in general, since the age of Dumb Stupid Movies plummeted with our spirits after a bunch of fucked up stuff happened to the economy/government/environment. Not everything should be profound and deeply inspirational. I was profoundly and deeply inspired by how much fun this movie was. In the face of total disaster, I think we should get back to sometimes watching a bunch of dumb girls devastate an entire football team. This is something I’ve been saying for a while.
Frances Ha
I think I watched Greta’s movies in the wrong order. Lady Bird was a life changing viewing experience. Barbie was a cultural phenomenon. Frances Ha is a movie about a socially awkward girl who makes terrible decisions. I was afraid to read reviews, to express my slight-but-noticeable disappointment after watching this movie. What if I’m met with total derision? A revolution against my very existence? What I actually found was a community of 3 and a half star viewers, people who really wanted to be moved by this film but simply were not. Maybe it’s because I’m in my twenties and I’m having a kind of terrible time. I wanted to find the answer to that. Frances only offered me more questions. Still, I’m glad I watched it, and I’m glad things sort-of worked out for her in the end.
Vewn (or Victoria Vincent)
I’m behind on this one. Vewn is an artist that I discovered recently. Another envy follow. I stumbled across her art while searching for inspiration for my own. After a thorough instagram stalk, I realized there was a youtube channel full of short films. Binge watched, obviously.
veronika_iscool on tik tok
an envy follow. Veronika is so weird and so funny. Every time I see a video of hers, I’m struck with a wave of jealousy that’s then accompanied by an extreme desire to study everything about her. She’s perfected a character that only a weird girl can truly perfect. Somehow, she’s also… cool? Weird Girls are going viral all the time. I’m waiting for my turn. I’ve made almost no effort yet to make that possible. Veronika, can you sign my clavicle?
I’m Listening to…
Purge
Usually I’ll describe or promote a project here. Something you can watch or read or listen to. This month it’s a lot of “in the works” and not a lot of “go check it out.”
I’ll keep those things secret until they’re here. Shhhhhhhh. That keeps things interesting.
Question
What do you think about the most? Why?
Trend Forecast
Scorpio Season is intense, emotional, cold, and surrounded by the unique energy of Holiday Season. In my opinion, based on nothing, all of the signs are going to be operating under the same general curse for this brief portion of time.
You’re going to feel cloudy and the weather is going to be cloudy. Seasonal depression will be no joke for you this year. Trenchcoats and Big Boots will stay in style. You’ll be reading a lot of books written by young women. Tik Tok is going to irritate you more and more and more and more. Shopping for clothes is out. Stores are bad. Cooking large dinners is in. Colored tights will revamp the little black skirt that you’ve grown tired of. Something very millennial is going to make a return. There’s no way for us to know what, but be on the lookout. These waters are treacherous. You think to yourself no… they’d never bring back chevron… but look what they’ve done to the low waisted jean. Betrayal will lurk around every corner, but mostly it will be your own shadow that you’re afraid of. The Hunger Games is going to be on your mind for more than one reason.
Thank you for reading, or not reading. Thank you for existing.